


Where Is Love

by doitall, theworldwithkaisoo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 12:04:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9819746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doitall/pseuds/doitall, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theworldwithkaisoo/pseuds/theworldwithkaisoo
Summary: Soulmates share each other’s scars. But Kyungsoo doesn’t believe in soulmates. So, how was he supposed to react when his ‘soulmate’ confronts him about his self-harming?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for do-itall fic fest (Prompt #134)
> 
> Author's Note: TRIGGER WARNING GUYS. Like, really, this deals with self-harming and low self-esteem. So please take car when you read this. And also make sure y’all take care of your mental health, it’s very important! That being said, some parts felt--Rushed, a bit- sorry for that. But, a quick shout out to my beta for reading this over for me! And to the mods for hosting :) (ps. Sorry for the lame title)
> 
> Warnings: self-harm, description of self-harming, mentions of blood, some cursing

The water rushing down the sink in his bathroom distracted Kyungsoo from the yelling happening downstairs. But he could still hear her words in his head. Words he had been hearing for so long. His thirteen-year-old brain couldn’t hand any of it.

_He wasn’t worth it. What a waste of space. No one was ever going to love him. Of course he doesn’t have a soulmate, who would want to love him._

He ran his hands through his hair. He looked up into the mirror. He was standing in his boxers. There was discolouration on his torso, but that didn't bother Kyungsoo. It was his tear stained face that bothered him the most. His eyes were too big for his face, much like his lips. No one would want to love him.

The yelling stopped and a door slammed then another. They had finished then.

Kyungsoo sighed and turned off the tap. From the corner of his eye, he saw his razor-- Sehun had convinced him to buy it, even though neither of them were sporting facial hair.

The longer Kyungsoo stared at it, the more his brain started to turn. He picked it up and examined it. He could see the small lines that connected which pieces together. He detached the head from the handle and carefully broke it apart. Pieces were scattered along the countertop. He picked up the small blade and held it between his fingers.

He wondered…

He looked up at his hollow face one last time before he pressed metal against his inner wrist.

 

 

Over the last four years, Kyungsoo _could_ say that he was a master at self-harm. It wasn’t something that he should be proud of, but that was the only thing he could do right. He learned very fast that any marks on skin that could be easily revealed would draw attention, so he only hurt himself on parts of his body that no one would be able to see--though, the only person who would notice the difference in him would be his best friend Sehun.

When Sehun first noticed the lone mark on his wrist, his friend worried. Sehun always thought so highly of Kyungsoo that the latter was sure his friend never thought he would hurt himself. Sehun also knew that Kyungsoo's parents weren't the best. His father had been avoiding him ever since his mother died. Then his father married his step-mother who started to treat him like he was the gum at the bottom of her shoe. He doesn’t think his friend understands how bad it can be sometimes. How bad it was for him growing up with a stranger for a father and a pseudo mother.

Kyungsoo doesn't remember when they started fighting or when his step-mother turned her aggression on him. But he does remember the first day he met Sehun. He remembers bit vividly.

It was a warm night and Kyungsoo sneaked out of his bedroom window, escaping through the tall tree, after he was left alone. He had used the tree that was beside his bed to sneak out and ran to the park that was five minutes away from his house. It was late enough for no one to be at the park, which Kyungsoo had been happy for. But what surprised him was when he was caught up in his sobs, he hadn't noticed another boy on the swings.

Kyungsoo was sat against a tree crying and he only looked up when his tears subsided. Sehun had been on the swings watching the entire thing and only made his way over when Kyungsoo and him made eye contact.

Kyungsoo remembered the panic he felt when Sehun started to make his way over. They shared small words and comfort. Ever since that night Sehun and him were always together.

Kyungsoo was never sure if Sehun had ever told his parents about his family life, but regardless, they treat him like he is their other child.

He was now standing in the entryway of the Oh house as he waited for his best friend to put on his shoes.

“Kyungsoo,” Mrs. Oh said as she smiled from the living room. “Did you eat?”

He smiled back. “I had some bread.”

“Bread?” She said. Sehun stood beside Kyungsoo after he put on his shoes. “I hardly call that a breakfast.”

“Don't worry, Mom,” Sehun cut in as he started to push Kyungsoo out the door. “I'll make sure he eats a big lunch.”

She chuckled. “Goodbye boys.”

They called out their farewell as they made their way out the door to school. Kyungsoo knew that he would never be able to tell Sehun the entire truth. He would never want his friend to worry that much. He especially wouldn't want to bring his family into it either. From what he could tell they live sure a normal, happy life. Sehun's parents were madly in love and deeply cared for the well-being of others.

But Kyungsoo couldn't bring his problems to them. That would be too much.

 

 

“I’m so glad we're graduating soon,” Sehun groaned. The pair made their way through the busy school halls to their lockers. They had been lucky enough to be in the same homeroom, so of course, that meant that their lockers would always be next to each other.

“Six months to go,” Kyungsoo said. The lockers came into view. “Six more fucking months.”

Sehun gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “At least we both both applied to same colleges. Maybe luck will be on our side and we'll go to the same one.”

“I hope so,” he said. Kyungsoo stopped in front of his locker as Sehun did the same. They both unlocked their locks and opened their lockers at the same time.

“Do you think we'll meet our soulmates there?” Sehun wondered out loud to himself. Kyungsoo stiffened.

“Who knows,” Kyungsoo gave him a curt response. His friend knew that Kyungsoo never liked to talk about the idea of soulmates.

Supposedly, soulmates were the real deal. If either soulmate ever hurt themselves then the same scar would appear on the others body. It wouldn't hurt them, luckily. It would just appear on their body. Depending on the depth on the scar would determine how long it would stay on the body.

He was convinced that he didn't have one. Cause let's be honest, what kind of soulmate would let Kyungsoo live in _that_ house. Besides if he did have one then… no, he didn't want to think of that. He didn't have one. He _couldn't_ have one. No one would want to love him. His own father didn't love him and his stepmother thought he wasn't worth their love, how could he have a soulmate?

 

 

Kyungsoo was laying in bed waiting for Sehun to finish his dance practice. It was Friday night and it was time for their game night. Kyungsoo looked at his phone. It was an old hand-me-down phone his father had given him when he started high school. Kyungsoo was surprised when his father had given it to him, but because his father refused to pay for the bill, Kyungsoo picked up a job at the local coffee shop -weekends only.

6:12 pm. _Weird_ , Kyungsoo thought. Sehun would’ve called him by now.

Kyungsoo decided he would give him a ring.

“Kyungsoo,” Sehun whispered into the phone. He sounded excited. “Oh my god, Kyungsoo.”

“What?” Kyungsoo sat up. Sehun's excitement was oozing through the phone to Kyungsoo's side. He couldn't help but feel excited as well.

“I found my soulmate,” Sehun said. Kyungsoo felt the smile, that he didn't realize crept into his face, drop. “He goes to a different high school and only just transfer to this dance class cause he can't make the other. But oh my god Kyungsoo, I--”

“I'm so happy for you Sehun,” Kyungsoo said. He could hear the bitterness in his tone and he knew Sehun heard it too as the latter stumbled over his words. Kyungsoo tried to save himself. “I really am. You just--you know how I feel about it. I am happy, I promise.”

“Okay,” Sehun said quietly. There was a question left in the air. They both knew what it was. It was Kyungsoo who addressed it.

“Don't worry, spend time with him. We can hang out another day. Besides, you need to widen your friend group.” Sehun laughed at that.

“You do too, you weirdo.”

Kyungsoo smiled a bit. “I'll talk to you later. And remember, safe sex is happy sex!”

“S-shut up.” Kyungsoo could already imagine the blush that rose on Sehun's face. How he would be looking at the ground embarrassed, probably bringing himself attention from those around him. Kyungsoo chuckled.

“Bye, lover boy.”

“Bye Soo. Thanks for understanding.”

Kyungsoo laid back down and plopped the phone next to him when he ended the call.

Now what was he supposed to do? He had already had his night planned out, but now nothing. Maybe he should actually start his homework now so he wouldn't have to stress about it after work on Sunday.

He sighed and thought about it a little longer before he decided against it. He grabbed his coat and shoes. He wasn't sure where his parents were so he figured it would be safest to leave through his window, easily climbing onto the tree.

Once he reached the safety of the ground, he wasn't entirely sure where he was going to go. It was late January, so it was still chilly out. It wasn’t as cold as the winters usually were here. As much as the cold bothered him, he continued to walk aimlessly.

He figured he could just go to the park. The sky was clear, which meant he would be able to see the stars in a couple hours, but he knew that he would freeze before enough stars appeared, so instead of making his way straight to the park, he made a left and his way to the coffee shop he worked at to get something to warm him up.

In the distance, he saw the lights of various stores lining the street. There wasn't too many people out yet, so, Kyungsoo knew the shop won't be busy. He would be able to stay warm there for a couple hours.

The bell dinged as he made his way inside. Minseok was working tonight, he was one of Kyungsoo's favourites.

“Hey,” Minseok greeted. “What are you doing here?”

“Decided to go for a stroll,” Kyungsoo said.

“Makes sense why Sehun is here,” Minseok nodded his head to the corner of the shop, where Sehun was. He was seated with, Kyungsoo presumed to be, his soulmate. Their bags resting by their feet. Kyungsoo looked back to Minseok.

“Yeah, he met his soulmate,” Kyungsoo said quietly. “So, we canceled our plans.”

Minseok nodded his head in understanding. “What can I make for you then?”

“Hot chocolate, I suppose,” Kyungsoo shrugged. “Got an early start tomorrow.”

He moved to pull out his wallet but Minseok shook his head.

“Don't worry about it,” he said as he shot another glance towards Sehun’s table. “It's a happy occasion.”

Kyungsoo gave him a small smile as the other moved to make his drink. Kyungsoo tried to subtly look over at Sehun. His back was to Kyungsoo, so the later wouldn't have noticed Kyungsoo. His soulmate was most definitely handsome. He had summer skin that complimented his dark hair. And the way he looked at Sehun made Kyungsoo push away any reservations he had about soulmates.

The pair were so wrapped into each other they didn't notice their surroundings. Kyungsoo could see their hands tentatively entwine. He noticed Sehun’s head look down towards the table. He’s probably has a shy smile on his face.

Minseok handed Kyungsoo his drink and they bid each other farewell. He didn't want to stay in the shop, just in case Sehun noticed him. He was in no pressing mood to meet the other's soulmate.

He decided that maybe he would just go to the park and head home earlier than he wanted. But he found the closer he got to the park the louder it was. There was a group of boys messing around on the play set. From what Kyungsoo could tell they were playing grounders. The tallest of the group was ‘it’ and he was going around on his hands and knees. His friends were being loud so he wouldn’t know when someone was on the ground.

Kyungsoo stopped where he was and watched as one of them took the risk and ran from one side to the other, to avoid getting tagged. He almost managed to make it when the taller one called out grounds.

“Fuck,” the one who ran said. The others start laughing.

“In your face Baekhyun,” the taller said with a deep voice. His voice seemed to went down to Kyungsoo’s bones, seeping through the marrow, making him shiver. Or maybe it was just the cold. He pulled his drink closer to his chest, trying to soak up the heat the permeated the cup’s paper wall.

Kyungsoo could almost make out his face in the darkening sky. The most defining feature of him were his ears. They stuck out ever so slightly from his head. They were probably too big for his head when he was younger.

Kyungsoo didn’t realize he was staying until he heard the boy, ‘Baekhyun’ shouting _ready_ _._ Kyungsoo looked at them just a little longer before he started to walk away. Something in his chest was pulling him to stay, but he chose to ignore it and go home.

Little did he know, the tall boy was watching his retreating figure, trying to figure out why he too felt a pull in his chest.

 

 

Kyungsoo always asked himself if there was ever anyone else who ever felt the way he did. Did other people wake up and feel an urge to cry, yet nothing ever came? Did anyone else avoid reflections of themselves? Did anyone else just _not_ care about life anymore?

He was probably the only person who felt like this. Everyone else seemed to have this high hope that they were going to get a chance to find their soulmate. Everyone just waiting for the day they find the person that completes them. Kyungsoo wondered what the feeling felt like. Was it something nice? Or was it torture?

He secretly hoped it was the later. As much as he didn’t want other people hurting, he just didn’t want to be the only one.

It’s been a week since Sehun and _Jongin,_ his soulmate, have met. Sehun has not stopped talking about him that Kyungsoo felt like _they_ were dating. And today, Friday, their gaming night, Jongin was joining them. Kyungsoo wasn’t really excited about this. From everything Sehun had told him, Jongin sounded like a great guy and it sounded like Kyungsoo and him would get along great. There was just something, though, something small, hidden in his chest. Something he couldn't quite pinpoint.

Kyungsoo stood tentatively outside Sehun’s front door. He sighed and then closed his eyes. He needed to convince himself that it was going to be okay. This is his best friends happiness, and Kyungsoo should be happy for him too, right?

But Sehun shouldn't need a soulmate to be happy. Shouldn't Kyungsoo be enough to keep his friend happy?

Kyungsoo sighed again at that stupid thought. He knew exactly why he wasn’t enough--

The front door opened suddenly. Mr. and Mrs. Oh were standing there surprised.

“Kyungsoo, what are you doing just standing there?” Mrs. Oh said. Kyungsoo felt a fake smile rise on his face. It wasn’t that he disliked them, in fact, it was the opposite. And it was because of that reason he felt the need to pretend that he was happier than he actually was.

“Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts,” he scratched the back of his head.

They smiled at him. Mr.Oh opened the door wider as Mrs. Oh stepped out. Every Friday night was their date night, which was nice for him and Sehun.

“Well, Sehun and Jongin are both inside,” Mrs. Oh said.

“You boys have fun,” Mr. Oh said as he ushered Kyungsoo inside. Once he was safely inside, Mr. Oh shut the door.

Kyungsoo slipped off his shoes and made his way to Sehun’s room. He could hear the voices coming from his room. He shuffled his feet along the ground so that hopefully Sehun would be able to hear him as he didn’t want to catch his friend in any sort of compromising position. Luckily he didn’t.

Sehun poked his head out of his room with a smile. Kyungsoo instantly felt better than he did moments ago. “You’re here.”

“Of course I am,” Kyungsoo mumbled. Sehun slung an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into his room. Everything about it was the same. His bed was pushed against the wall. He had a computer desk and a small sitting area, on the floor, where his tv was. The only thing out of place was the person who stood in the middle of Sehun’s room. Jongin.

He was the same height as Sehun, which made Kyungsoo feel slightly sub-conscious of his height.

“Kyungsoo,” Sehun said, he removed his arm and stood beside his soulmate. “This is Jongin. Jongin, Kyungsoo.”

Jongin held his hand out towards Kyungsoo and he took it. “I feel like I already know who you are. Sehun wouldn’t shut up about you.”

Kyungsoo cracked a smile as he let go of Jongin’s hand. “The feelings mutual. Once he starts he doesn’t shut up, huh?”

“Especially when it comes to drama.” Both chuckled as they recalled the most recent drama that had happened at school. Sehun knew every bit of information that there could have been. How he found all of the information out, Kyungsoo wasn’t sure.

Sehun pouted at this. “If I knew you guys were going to tease me, I would’ve postponed this meeting,” Sehun grabbed both of their wrists and walked them over to the tv. “Hurry up and put in a game.”

 

 

Several hours and three empty bags of chips later, Kyungsoo rose from putting on his shoes as he held to his stomach. Jongin and him just finished cracking another joke and the pair found themselves in fits of giggles.

“As happy as I am that you guys are getting along,” Sehun said, crossing his arms. “I also very much hate this.”

“Just wait until we throw my friends into the mix,” Jongin said. He threw an arm over Sehun’s shoulder. “Baekhyun and Chanyeol are worse than us.”

Kyungsoo felt a shudder run through his body when Jongin said _Chanyeol_ _._ He ignored the feeling.

He did recognize the name _Baekhyun_ though. He wondered if they were the same people from the other night.

“Now I know we are going to have to put off that,” Sehun sighed.

“So next week?” Kyungsoo chimed in. Sehun sent him a glare.

Jongin hummed. “Probably, they’re both freshmen in college, so I don’t know when they’re going to be free.”

“We’ll figure it out and let you know,” Sehun said. Kyungsoo turned and opened the front door. Once he was outside, he turned back. Sehun was leaning against the door frame and Jongin against the door. Kyungsoo felt his heart clench.

“It was nice meeting you, Jongin,” Kyungsoo said.

“Likewise,” Jongin said with a bright smile. Kyungsoo gave them a wave and started to turn away but Sehun’s voice stopped him.

“Hey, Soo?” Sehun said as the door shut behind him, Kyungsoo faced his friend. “I just wanted to say thank you, for tonight.”

“You don’t have to thank me Sehun,” Kyungsoo said. The high Kyungsoo was feeling from their fun was starting to fade and was being replaced by something darker.

“I do though,” Sehun said. He took a step closer to Kyungsoo. “I know that...I know you don’t have a good outlook when it comes to soulmates, but I’m glad that you...just thank you.”

Kyungsoo wasn’t one to show affection, but hearing what Sehun was saying, Kyungsoo realized just how worried he was about this meeting. He took a step and pulled Sehun into a hug. Kyungsoo started to feel bad for making his friend worry.

“My opinion shouldn’t matter,” Sehun wrapped his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist. Kyungsoo pulled back a bit, leaving his arms resting on Sehun’s shoulders. “You’re my best friend and if he makes you happy that's all that matters.”

Sehun pulled him into another hug, before the pair departed for the night.

 

 

As Kyungsoo made his way back home, he couldn’t stop his thoughts. He hated the fact that Jongin was so great. He hated the fact that he had this underlying anger towards Jongin. He hated the fact that his _best friend_ was worrying about how he was going to react.

His emotions were a mess and all he wanted to do was to crawl into his bed and forget the world for the next ten hours. But of course, he never gets what he wishes for.

“Where have you been all evening?” Kyungsoo’s step-mother asked, as soon as he walked through the door, in an obnoxious voice. Kyungsoo wanted to ignore her. He was almost at the stairs. “Were you out whoring yourself around?”

“I’m not in the mood for your shit today,” Kyungsoo snapped at her. He didn’t even realize what he had said until he saw her face. She looked as surprised as Kyungsoo felt, he noticed how her eyes flickered behind him. Kyungsoo felt the blood drain from his face when he turned and saw his father standing there. He didn’t look too impressed.

His father just looked at him and then continued past him. He heard his step-mother scoff.

Kyungsoo took that as a chance to escape. As he was ascending the stairs he heard his step-mother getting angry with his father. He shut his door before the yelling got too loud.

Kyungsoo felt the heaviness in his chest become unbearable. He started to have trouble breathing. He shuffled his way to his bathroom while holding onto his chest. He wanted to rinse his face with some water, but instead, he slid down his bathroom wall.

He brought his knees to his chest and sobbed. Seeing Sehun and Jongin so happy and the acknowledgement his father showed him just now, was not what Kyungsoo wanted. He wanted his father to avoid him, like he usually did. But instead that acknowledgement brought out the longing and need Kyungsoo had been burying, it brought out the sadness that Kyungsoo had been hiding from himself. He really wished he had a soulmate. That night Kyungsoo cried until exhaustion overtook him and he welcomed the darkness as he surrendered himself to sleep.

 

 

Sehun must’ve known something was off with Kyungsoo, but he never pestered, which is something that Kyungsoo was thankful for. The latter had been more closed off during the week than he normally was and it was like the littlest things set him off. It wasn’t like he snapped out of anger, more like, it snapped Kyungsoo out of his mind. He had been so wrapped up in his own world that the week had flown by and he barely had the chance to process anything that happened.

It was Friday again, and that meant he was going to be meeting Jongin’s friends, Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Kyungsoo wondered what they were like. Jongin had said that they were ‘worse’ than he and Jongin were. Did that mean they only _ever_ cracked jokes and were never serious? What did they look like? So many things crossed Kyungsoo’s mind. But the most prominent one was, why every time Kyungsoo thought of the name Chanyeol, he got this sort of rush. It was something inexplicable--something that Kyungsoo had never felt before.

 

 

They say that your eyes are the window to your soul. Kyungsoo never once thought that to be true. It seemed to fantastical for someone to simply look into your eyes and understand who you are in an instant. But after the days events, he may actually start believing in it

He was at Sehun’s house, sitting in the living room with Sehun. They were waiting for Jongin to arrive with his friends and were talking about nothing in particular when the doorbell rang. Sehun got up and answered it while Kyungsoo was still seated. He started to wring his hands together as he heard the murmur of voices. He recognized Jongin’s and there was a second voice, it sounded familiar, but he couldn’t place it.

He heard the footsteps draw closer and closer as he sat up a little from the couch. Jongin was who he saw first, then it was Sehun, followed by--

“Baekhyun, this is Kyungsoo,” Jongin said the moment Baekhyun had come into view.

So, it was the same person from the park the other day, Kyungsoo thought. He got up and exchanged greetings with him.

“Chanyeol’s just on the phone right now,” Jongin continued. They all sat around the living room. Baekhyun sat on the other side of the coffee table, on the floor and the other three sat on the couch. Kyungsoo sat on the end of the couch with Sehun on his right..

They started to small talk. Kyungsoo learned that Baekhyun and Chanyeol went to the same college, both majoring in music. They had grown up together and during later elementary school they had met Jongin.

Kyungsoo was engrossed with a story Baekhyun was telling that he hadn’t realized another person joined them until he felt Sehun pat his thigh.

“Kyungsoo, this is Chanyeol.” Jongin said. When the pair locked eyes on one another, Kyungsoo felt a lump in his throat as he slowly rose to his feet. Then his vision started to blur. He needed to blink a couple times before it became clear again. It was the same person who was with Baekhyun at the park.

_That's not..how…?_

Kyungsoo’s mind instantly went to the scars at littered his body. He felt the slight pain the fresh ones left behind. Kyungsoo never thought that this would happen. He never thought in a millions years that he would get the chance to have a soulmate. And now that… no.

It can’t be real.

But when Chanyeol took those couple steps and placed his hands on his shoulders and spoke his next words that maybe, just maybe, he could believe he had a soulmate. And maybe he was being lied to his entire life.

“Why would you do that to yourself?” Chanyeol asked slightly shaking his shoulders.

Kyungsoo sputtered. He could see the worry that filled Chanyeol’s eyes. He had pretty eyes.

“Do you know how fucking scared I was when I realized where the marks came from?” Chanyeol was mad. That worry turned to anger as his brows started to furrow.

“What? What marks?” Sehun said standing up beside Kyungsoo. There was concern written all over his face. Baekhyun and Jongin looked confused. “What is he talking about, Kyungsoo?”

“N-nothing,” Kyungsoo stuttered. He was happy that they were at Sehun's house and not out in public, not that dealing with it in his friend’s home was any better. “Nothing. I don't know what he's talking about.”

“Y-you don't know?” That seemed to make Chanyeol angrier. He took a step back and lifted his shirt, where there were marks of faded scars along his hip bones. He heard some gasps. The other three, Kyungsoo could tell, were piecing things together. Kyungsoo bit the inside of his cheek. This was getting too much for him. Chanyeol dropped his shirt and clenched his fists beside his body.

“You're soulmates…” Jongin said quietly from his place on the couch. But it was Sehun's words that affected Kyungsoo the most.

“You...hurt yourself?” Sehun looked hurt. Kyungsoo was sure he saw Sehun's face go through a mix of emotions. Sadness, hurt, betrayal, concern, disappointment. _Guilt._

All the things that Kyungsoo tried his best to keep away from his cherished friend. Kyungsoo wished in that moment, a million times over, that he never touched himself with a blade. He wished so hard that he never did that to Sehun.

“S-Sehun,” Kyungsoo stuttered. He bit his lip when he saw tears starting to build in his friend's eyes. “I-I.”

“I...need a moment,” Sehun said as he pushed past Kyungsoo and walked out of the room. Jongin watched as Sehun walked away, and not seconds after, he followed.

Kyungsoo was left with Baekhyun, who started to get up, and an angry Chanyeol.

“Maybe it’s better if I just leave,” Baekhyun said taking steps back towards the entrance. Kyungsoo clenched his jaw.

“No, I will,” Kyungsoo glared at Chanyeol. Though he was still distraught with Sehun, he was also angry with Chanyeol. Just because they were ‘soulmates’ doesn’t give him the right to do that in front of other people.

Kyungsoo pushed past Chanyeol. No one stopped him as he slipped on his shoes and left.

 

 

Kyungsoo had been avoiding all messages and calls that went to his phone. Sehun had called and sent messages on both Saturday and Sunday, but Kyungsoo hadn’t been able to bring himself to answer. The amount of guilt that coursed through Kyungsoo’s veins was unbearable. He didn’t eat anything all of Saturday. It wasn’t until Sunday morning, that his father barged in and saw his son curled up in his bed with red eyes.

His father had brought food up to Kyungsoo's room after seeing his state and didn’t leave until Kyungsoo had eaten it, though nothing was spoken between the two of them. Kyungsoo felt his heart break more.

Today is Monday, and Kyungsoo dreaded the idea of having to go to school. He wasn’t sure how things were going to be with him and Sehun, were they going to talk? Were they going to avoid each other?

It turns out, that it was the latter of the two. Maybe it was because the moment that Kyungsoo saw Sehun at their lockers he freaked out and turned away. Or maybe it was because Sehun didn’t chase after him? Either way, this was the first time in a long time that the pair didn’t spend time together at school. It was weird, and lonely--Kyungsoo really hated it.

Kyungsoo had spent his lunch in the library. Technically, food wasn’t allowed in the library, but this wasn’t the first time Kyungsoo had to sneak food in--he was pretty good at it. They didn’t talk for the entire day.

Kyungsoo was leaving school feeling dejected. He didn’t realize that someone was calling out to him until he felt a pull on his shoulder.

When he turned to face the person, he was surprised.

“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo said. Other students around them looked at them curiously. “What are you doing here?”

“Jongin told me that you went to school here,” Chanyeol said. He scratched the back of his head when Kyungsoo stared a little too long.

“But _why_ are you here?” Kyungsoo took a step back to put some distance between them.

“I wanted to talk to you…” Chanyeol said. “A-about Friday.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“We’re soulmates, Kyungsoo,” he said. “And w-what you’re doing scares me. I care--”

“Don’t you _dare_. Don’t say that you care about me when you don’t even know me or what I’ve been through,” Kyungsoo said through his teeth. He wanted to yell at the taller, but they were in public in front of his school, this was not the place. “If you so deeply believe that we’re soulmates, then where the _fuck_ have you been?”

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure what Chanyeol was thinking. Kyungsoo knew, logically, how soulmates were able to see any harmful marks, he _knew_ that. But, he couldn’t help but wonder if Chanyeol had been seeing his scars for the last four years. It was if a light switched on in Kyungsoo’s mind, as he recognized the hurt that took over Chanyeol's face. He had been suffering along with Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo opened his mouth to apologize. He _wanted_ to apologize, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. If he were to, then it would almost be like he was apologizing for hurting himself too. But Kyungsoo knew that he wasn’t sorry for that, would never be sorry for that.

Instead of saying anything, Kyungsoo turned and left, leaving Chanyeol to watch his retreating figure. Kyungsoo felt an urge to look back at Chanyeol, but he resisted. Turning back now would make Kyungsoo feel worse than he already did.

 

 

If Kyungsoo thought he would finally get a moment of peace, than he was dead wrong. For the remainder of the week it was the same routine. He would spend the day by himself and then Chanyeol would always be waiting for him at the end of the day. Chanyeol kept trying to talk to him but Kyungsoo kept avoiding him. Kyungsoo was truly afraid of letting Chanyeol into his life. He did think about it. What would happen if he let him in Kyungsoo wondered, would he stay? He saw how his father and step-mother were, though. Kyungsoo knew they weren’t soulmates. Kyungsoo always had this underlying fear that almost every relationship would turn out that bad, and just because a couple looked happy on the outside, you could never really be sure just how happy they were.

But on the rare good nights he had, he would let his mind wander. Wander into a dreamland where he liked himself. Where he had a happy family and where Chanyeol and him were so madly in love. A dreamland where Kyungsoo didn’t have scars of a dark past, but scars of good memories, like Chanyeol teaching him how to rollerblade. Or their first snowboarding trip together.

On the exceptionally bad nights Kyungsoo would start to think about everything that was wrong with him and everything that Chanyeol would hate. He would let the terrible words his step-mother would tell him infect his cells until the only thing left would be a self-loathing mess of a human.

Today had been one of those days.

Kyungsoo was sitting in his bathroom. He made sure that his bedroom door was locked. Kyungsoo stripped off his t-shirt and jeans the moment he got home from school.

He stared at himself in the mirror. He looked...so withered and pale. He was already fair skinned by nature, but there was this greyness to him that he couldn’t explain. As he slowly looked further down his small body, slowly, line by line the marks started to appear. Some were fresher than others, so there were still some dried blood. Others had healed over, but there was still a redness to them. Like they were still healing. Like they would keep healing until Kyungsoo finally healed himself. Until...Kyungsoo finally learned to love himself.

But no. Kyungsoo was disgusting. He looked so bad. Why would _anyone_ want to talk to him if he looked like this? These scars? Disgusting. Everything about him was disgusting.

Kyungsoo clenched his jaw tight. He felt the heaviness in his heart grow. He hated feeling this way. The never ending sadness that he felt like he was trapped in.

Kyungsoo grabbed the small razor blade that he hide underneath his sink. The shiny silver blade stared back at him as he sat on the closed toilet sink.

 

 

 _Fuck_.

He made one too deep this time. He had bandaged up the other ones, but this one, right at his hip bone, wouldn’t stop. His fingers were bloody and as much as he wanted to clean his hands he knew he needed to stop the bleeding. Kyungsoo felt himself panic a bit. _What happens if it didn’t stop?_ He started thinking to himself. _What happens if--_

Kyungsoo wasn’t able to finish that thought because he heard his window open and close. He eyes widened in fear. _Shit, was that Sehun?_ He thought to himself.

“Kyungsoo?” He knew that voice like he knew the amount of steps it takes for him to reach school. Chanyeol's voice was etched into Kyungsoo’s soul. Kyungsoo could hear Chanyeol’s footsteps come closer. He felt a lump rising in his throat when Chanyeol peered his head into the bathroom and found his soulmate sitting on the toilet, holding bloodied tissues. Kyungsoo broke down. This was something that was so private to Kyungsoo that he felt like he was exposing himself in more ways that he would like.

“C-chanyeol, it won’t stop,” Kyungsoo said. He felt vulnerable. Chanyeol had froze as he took in the sight before him but just as quickly as he froze, he helped Kyungsoo. He quietly took the bloodied tissue from Kyungsoo’s hands and threw it in the trash beside him. He gently placed a clean tissue on the wound and placed one of Kyungsoo’s hand there.

“Keep some pressure on it,” Chanyeol said in a gentle voice. This tenderness that Chanyeol was showing him, made him cry harder. Kyungsoo had to use his free hand, that still hand some blood on it, to cover his mouth, he didn’t want Chanyeol to hear anymore of his sobs. Chanyeol worked quickly and quietly. He grabbed a wet tissue and removed Kyungsoo’s hand, so he could quickly clean the area before swiftly placing two bandages, that he found under the sink, on top of the cut. What was Chanyeol thinking right now?

Kyungsoo was silently crying, and the taller cleaned both of their hands off and handed Kyungsoo a tissue to wipe his mouth off with.

It wasn’t until Chanyeol had thrown the last tissue away that he knelt to the ground and took Kyungsoo into his arms. Kyungsoo could smell the freshness of Chanyeol’s hair. He must’ve been taking a shower when he...

Kyungsoo tentatively wrapped his arms around Chanyeol as the latter rocked him back and forth for a while. Once Kyungsoo had calmed down, he changed into some pj’s and with the help of Chanyeol, was tucked into bed. Chanyeol sat down next to Kyungsoo and gently ran his hand through Kyungsoo’s hair. It was calming for him.

_What the fuck was Chanyeol thinking?_

“Do you need anything?” Chanyeol asked quietly. Kyungsoo needed Chanyeol. He opened his mouth and then closed it again-- he didn’t deserve any of the kindness that Chanyeol was showing him. But Chanyeol seemed to think otherwise, as if he had read Kyungsoo’s mind.. He gently pushed Kyungsoo back, so there was enough room for him to lay under the covers. Chanyeol took him into his arms, so Kyungsoo’s head rested just above Chanyeol’s heart. Kyungsoo’s could hear it beating, it was a little fast, like Chanyeol was nervous, but slowly it became steady.

“I may not know why you do this, or how you’re feeling,” Chanyeol said quietly, rubbing Kyungsoo’s back gently. “But just know that you will always have someone that loves you.”

Kyungsoo bit his bottom lip and silently nodded his head. He didn’t trust himself to speak. But he did snuggled closer to him. He felt his walls starting to break.

“I am sorry, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol said just as quietly as he had before. Why did Kyungsoo feel like he was talking about more than just Sehun?

“It's okay,” Kyungsoo mumbled. “I probably would've been just as pissed.”

“I should’ve done it with more tack,” Chanyeol said. “Now Sehun isn’t--”

Kyungsoo lifted his head and covered Chanyeol’s lips with his hand. “Please, don’t. It’s not your fault. I should've told him earlier.”

Kyungsoo slowly removed his hand when Chanyeol nodded his head. Chanyeol’s eyes flicked down to Kyungsoo’s lips and he felt his face heat up, so he quickly dropped his head back on Chanyeol’s chest and tried to ignore the low rumble in Chanyeol’s throat.

 

 

Feeling physical pain was better than feeling emotional pain. That’s what Kyungsoo always told himself when he started to hate himself for doing what he did. But when he woke up this morning and he felt Chanyeol’s body behind him, and an arm secure around his body, he started to feel guilty about the physical pain as well. Though, he knew that Chanyeol couldn’t feel the pain, he only bore the scars, Kyungsoo felt guilty at the thought of giving his soulmate scars he didn’t need. Of course they would fade from Chanyeol's body, eventually...

Kyungsoo did his best to turn around and face Chanyeol without waking him, but he must’ve already been awake.

Kyungsoo felt heat rise to his face. Chanyeol held him in an intense gaze. Kyungsoo opened his mouth to say something but as he did so he became overwhelmingly aware of his morning breath. He immediately covered his mouth with his hand.

Chanyeol laughed, like a rumble in his chest. Kyungsoo liked his laugh.

“We're soulmates, Kyungsoo. Morning breath won't be the worst thing we share with each other.”

Kyungsoo was positive that all the blood rushed to his face. His heart pounded so loud in his chest at the thought of sharing more about himself with Chanyeol. A stranger, but not a stranger. His… soulmate. Soulmate. _His_ soulmate. Do Kyungsoo’s soulmate.

Soulmate.

His.

Slowly, Kyungsoo removed his hand and reached it towards Chanyeol's face which still bared a small smile from his laugh. His face was soft. Sturdy. Real.

Under the covers, Kyungsoo felt some shuffling. Chanyeol's hand searched for his other one, and once he found it, Chanyeol slowly entwined their fingers.

It was such an intimate moment-- a moment Kyungsoo never thought he would get the chance to experience. Years and years of being told such terrible things. That he was never going to find someone who would love him. That he wasn't _worthy_ of love.

Looking at Chanyeol before him now, brought Kyungsoo a sliver of hope.

Loud pounding up the stairs brought Kyungsoo and Chanyeol out of their daze. Kyungsoo's eyes widened as he dragged Chanyeol up from the bed and pushed him toward the window.

“You need to leave, quickly.” Kyungsoo pushed it open as he heard the footsteps getting closer. His door was still locked from last night which should give Chanyeol enough time to disappear.

“Kyungsoo--what?”

There was pounding on the door. That was too fast. There wouldn't be time. Instead of the window, Kyungsoo pushed Chanyeol toward his closet and gently pushed him inside.

“Kyungsoo, open the damn door,” his step mother’s voice called out.

“Chanyeol, please, don't make a sound,” Kyungsoo begged. Chanyeol gave a nod but he had questions in his eyes that Kyungsoo didn't want to answer.

“Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo quietly and quickly shut the closet door and made his way towards the banging. He took a deep breath, unlocked the door and revealed his disheveled step mother.

“What took you so damn long?” Kyungsoo knew not to answer. “Dreaming of a soulmate? Sorry to break it to you but--”

“I know,” Kyungsoo answered curtly.

A flash of anger ran through her eyes. It wasn’t often for Kyungsoo to talk back to her, but he knew with past experience anytime he did, she would leave faster than if he said nothing.

“You're damn lucky your father's at work, right now,” she snarled. It was an empty threat. She always threatened him, but she never actually said anything to his father unless she wanted to pick a fight with him too.

She looked past his shoulder and saw something that caused her to push her way inside. Kyungsoo turned and saw Chanyeol's shoes resting by his bed.

_Fuck._

“Whose are these?” She picked them up. They were relatively new, so they were obviously not Kyungsoo's. Suddenly, she laughed and laughed. “What a fucking slut.”

Kyungsoo's heart dropped and he did his best not to look towards the closet. He wondered what Chanyeol was thinking right now. Was he disgusted by Kyungsoo too?

His step-mother dropped the shoes on the ground. “Is he still here?” She sauntered around his room. She peered in his bathroom. Nothing.

“He left,” Kyungsoo said. He was starting to get nervous. What was she going to do if she found him?

“Yeah, right.”

She walked back towards his bed and quickly ducked down to see if he was hiding there. There was only one more stop for anyone to hide in Kyungsoo's room. She made eye contact with Kyungsoo as she made her way over to it.

“H-he left, okay?” Kyungsoo said quietly as she placed her hand on the knob. He pointed to the open window. A cold breeze made its way into his room. “He left when he woke up this morning.”

“Was he disgusted by you too?”

Kyungsoo didn't say anything. What the fuck was Chanyeol thinking?

His step-mother walked over to Kyungsoo and placed a hand on his shoulder. Pity washed over her face. Kyungsoo hated that look from her, from anyone really.

“You will never get to know the touch of true love,” she whispered. “Much like myself.”

She left after that, slamming the door behind her. Kyungsoo turned and locked his door. He didn't move from his spot. Not when he heard the closet door open, nor when he heard Chanyeol's footsteps approach him.

Chanyeol gently turned Kyungsoo to face him. Kyungsoo’s gaze landed on Chanyeol's chest, as he couldn't bring himself to look at him. He felt so undeserving. So ashamed.

Chanyeol's hands crept their way to his face and lifted it so their gazes locked. The look Chanyeol gave him was so unfamiliar to him that he didn't know how to describe it. It wasn't disgust. It was warmer than most of the gazes he got.

Kyungsoo could feel a lump forming in his throat. He tried to swallow it down but it didn’t work. Chanyeol's eye flickered to Kyungsoo's lips briefly.

Kyungsoo closed his eyes, a couple of tears fell, but he ignored them as he felt the softness of lips press against his.

 

 

Chanyeol dropped Kyungsoo off at school, later that morning, and promised him that he would pick him up. Kyungsoo had missed first period and he was ready to miss the rest of the day, but Chanyeol convinced him otherwise.

Kyungsoo and Sehun still weren’t talking and after the recent events with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo wished he had his best friend with him. He needed someone to talk to.

He opened his locker and was shuffling through his things, trying to find a textbook. Kyungsoo had arrived during the break between periods, so the halls were bustling with students. He realized too late that Sehun had arrived and was looking at him.

Kyungsoo felt small under Sehun’s gaze.

“Hi,” Sehun said. Kyungsoo felt himself tense as he looked at his friend. Sehun was looking at him with such a soft expression. “Are… are you doing okay?”

Kyungsoo nodded his head. He looked down to break the eye contact. “Fine.”

“Did Chanyeol --?” He left the question hanging. There was an awkward pause.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo turned back to his locker and decided that he didn’t really need his book. “He came over.”

Kyungsoo shut his locker and rearranged his bag on his shoulders. The halls were starting to empty.

“Tonight--”

“I’m busy,” Kyungsoo cut Sehun off. “All weekend.”

Sehun opened his mouth to say something but ended up just nodding his head. Kyungsoo took that the end to their conversation. He walked passed Sehun towards his next class.

Who was he kidding, he wasn't ready to talk to Sehun just yet.

 

 

Kyungsoo walked out the front doors of his school and saw Chanyeol was down the street, leaning against his car, bundled in his coat. Kyungsoo walked over to him, but he kept his eyes on the ground.

He stopped in front of Chanyeol. It wasn’t until Chanyeol hand touch Kyungsoo’s chin and brought his gaze from the ground. His eyes followed the length of Chanyeol’s body. His mind couldn’t help but think of the fresh scars that took home on the tallers skin. Chanyeol gave him a small smile when they made eye contact.

“Everything okay?”

Kyungsoo nodded. “It’s cold.”

Chanyeol released his hold on his chin and moved his hand along his cheek. His thumb rubbed his cheek. Once. Twice.

Kyungsoo felt himself start to pressed his head against the hand. But Chanyeol pulled away.

“Let’s get you warm then.”

Chanyeol lead Kyungsoo to the passenger door and opened it for him. Once he was comfortably inside, Chanyeol shut the door and walked around to the other side. He walked around the back of the vehicle, like he was giving Kyungsoo time to decide if he wanted to leave.

Sitting for a moment, alone, in his soulmates car, started to bring some perspective to him.

For a lot of his life he had been told such terrible things, over and over. Things that he started to believe. Now that he's here, with his soulmate, it made him wonder if it would finally silence the voices in his head.

Kyungsoo played with his fingers while Chanyeol got in and started the car. When he looked up he saw Sehun across the street. He was walking with his head down, earbuds in. Kyungsoo thought of what happened earlier and he couldn’t help but wish he talked with Sehun. Kyungsoo sighed and looked over to Chanyeol who was watching him. What was he thinking?

Instead of saying anything, Chanyeol put his car in gear and pulled away from the curve.

 

 

“Wow, do you bring all your dates here?” Kyungsoo joked. He didn’t know what he should be doing. Or saying. All of this was so new to him.

Chanyeol had taken them to lovers road. Or at least, this is what Kyungsoo thinks is lover road. He had heard stories about this place but he had never actually came out here. It was by the airport. There was this long road that would go on for about ten minutes. There was this patch of gravel the cars who pull into to face the small lake and watch the airplanes fly in. It was still early into the evening so it was just them.

Chanyeol looked at him seriously. “You aren’t some date to me, Kyungsoo.”

A plane flew overhead as the pair maintained eye contact.

Kyungsoo looked out the windshield to watch the plane descend. The lights on the wings disappeared behind the tree line. He could faintly hear the plane landing.

“How are you healing?” Chanyeol said, breaking the silence that fell over them. Kyungsoo turned to look at him, but he was looking out the windshield.

“Fine,” Kyungsoo muttered. He had a feeling that that question was to segue into another question Chanyeol wanted to ask,

“Will you stop?” Chanyeol asked him, still he looked out the front of the car.

Kyungsoo didn’t respond. He couldn’t give him a definite answer. The whole reason Kyungsoo hurt himself was because of how he felt about himself. Just because Chanyeol was in his life now, didn’t mean the opinion he had of himself would change.

“Can you stop?” Chanyeol tried again.

“I,” Kyungsoo bit his lip. “I can’t promise you anything.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol’s voice was tight. Kyungsoo could tell from the corner of his eye that Chanyeol had a death grip on the steering wheel.

Kyungsoo reached his hand out and peeled Chanyeol’s fingers off the wheel. He wasn’t sure what compelled him to do it, but he took Chanyeol’s hand in his own. It was like he wanted to reassure the other. He wasn’t sure of what but he knew that this was the right thing to do when Chanyeol tighten his grip on his hand.

This was going to be a learning curve for the both of them. Chanyeol needed to understand that Kyungsoo was damaged and it was going to take time for him to heal. And Kyungsoo needed to learn how to love himself, so he could let Chanyeol love him too. And that was going to be the hardest thing for Kyungsoo to do.

 

 

Kyungsoo had just finished getting ready when his phone vibrated. Chanyeol had sent him a message saying that he was at his door. With panic, Kyungsoo ran out of his bedroom, after grabbing his coat, and flew down the stairs to open the door before anyone else could.

Chanyeol was on the other side. He was wearing a parka and black jeans, which complemented his lean legs. The last time Kyungsoo saw Chanyeol was on Friday. Yesterday he had to work so they were only able to text. But seeing Chanyeol today, made Kyungsoo realize that he was slowly starting to change how he felt about life. It brought Kyungsoo an unfamiliar excitement.

“You ready?” Chanyeol asked as his eyes scanned the inside of his home. Kyungsoo could see the tension in them, like he was ready to fight a battle for him.

Kyungsoo nodded. He quickly slipped on his shoes and jacket. But there was a voice behind them that stop them from leaving.

“Who’s that, Kyungsoo?” It was his stepmother. “Another boy you’re fucking?”

Kyungsoo turned to retort something but Chanyeol cut him off.

“Actually,” Chanyeol took a step into the house, standing just in front of Kyungsoo, like he was blocking him from the words of his stepmother. “I’m his soulmate.”

His stepmother looked like a fish, with her mouth opening and closer. Her eyebrows shifted downwards as she glared at the pair. Just then, Kyungsoo’s father walked into the lobby, from the living room. Whether or not he heard what Chanyeol had said, was hard for Kyungsoo to judge. His father had regarded both of them.

“My name is Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo looked to the taller. He didn’t look phased by the presence of his parents. In fact, Chanyeol looked, in a way, intimidating. It was like he was challenging them both. “If you don’t mind, we have a date to get to, so I’ll be taking Kyungsoo.”

With that Chanyeol took Kyungsoo’s hand in his and left. Once the were safely inside Chanyeol’s car and were driving away, Kyungsoo spoke.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course, I did,” Chanyeol said as flicked his signal so he could turn left. “You battles are my battles.”

Kyungsoo snorted, trying to hide the increased pacing of his heart. “I would hardly call that a battle.”

 

 

Chanyeol had decided to take Kyungsoo to the mall. They mostly window shopped and started to learn more about each other. Kyungsoo had suggested that they go to one of his favourite coffee shops, in the mall. There they spent hours sipping on their drinks, playing twenty questions and going on tangents.

Kyungsoo felt himself opening up to Chanyeol a lot faster than he anticipated. But, he was okay with that. He wanted Chanyeol to learn about the good parts about himself.

It was just before the end of their night together that Chanyeol decided to bring up Sehun. They were sitting in the car, which was parked outside of Kyungsoo’s house. He was sure that he saw the drape to the living room fall shut.

“You know he worries about you right?” Was all Chanyeol had said, but Kyungsoo knew exactly who he was talking about. “Jongin told me that he misses you.”

“Is Jongin also using you to get me to talk to him?” Kyungsoo snapped. But then immediately apologized. He didn’t mean to snap. The topic of self-harm was hard enough to tell Chanyeol about, to also have to talk with Sehun about it was something that Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he was ready for.

“It’s never going to be easy to talk about,” Chanyeol said, as if understanding Kyungsoo’s concerns. “But, I can only hope that if you do talk to him about it, that you’ll feel less burdened.”

“None of you guys should be stressed about it, though,” Kyungsoo said.

Chanyeol reached out and held onto Kyungsoo’s hand. “Whether or not you like it, we’ll always stress about it. Because we care about you. And when you care about someone you involuntarily start to worry about everything.”

“I’m not trying to force you to do it,” Chanyeol said as he rubbed the back of Kyungsoo’s hand with his thumb. “He’s your best friend. The more you push him away, the more he’s going to worry.”

 

 

Two days later, Kyungsoo had finally worked up the motivation to talk to Sehun. It was awkward, to say the least, but Chanyeol’s words rang in his mind. He wouldn’t call it peer pressure, by any means, Kyungsoo now entered Sehun's house. It was still the same, after a little over a week of being away. Sehun gave him a small smile as he lead him to his bedroom. They had left school separately, so it was later into the evening when Kyungsoo had arrived.

Kyungsoo was surprised to see the room empty. For some reason he had expected Jongin to be here.

They moved to the small seating area in front of the TV. Neither spoke, but they started to move, without much thought, and turned on the game console. Sehun had popped in an easy game. Something that wouldn't need much concentration.

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure how to start. Should he explain why? Or when? Do they talk about that first? So many thoughts started to clutter Kyungsoo's mind, he didn't realize that his side of the game was losing. He let the controller drop from his hands. There was a small thump when it landed on the ground.

Sehun hit pause on the game. Neither turned to look at one another.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Sehun said quietly. Kyungsoo started to wring his hands together. He brought he knees to his chest.

“I didn’t want you to worry,” Kyungsoo answered after a brief moment. This was going to be hard.

“How long?”

“Freshman year.”

“Why?” Sehun had whispered that question, like he was afraid to find out the answer.

“You know my home life isn't the best,” Kyungsoo said. He was hesitant to tell his friend this. But he knew that Sehun was willing to listen. They were friends and friends have to tell each other the hard stuff, even if they can't help each other. “There was a lot of things being said and...My dad… he just ignores me. Everything just started to accumulate and it was the only thing I could think of.”

“You could've came to me,” Sehun said. He turned to face Kyungsoo head on. “You can _always_ come to me.”

“What can you do, Sehun?”

Sehun paused. Kyungsoo saw how his eyes were darting back and forth on the ground. “I… you could've moved in here or something. My parents would've let you.”

Kyungsoo felt his heart swell in warmth. “I don't want to burden you with my problems.”

“You're problems are my problems.”

Kyungsoo bit his lip as he looked down. He felt arms wrap around him.

“I know I don't say it often,” Sehun said into his ear. “But, I love you.”

Kyungsoo moved his knees so he could wrap his arms around his friend. “I love you too and I'm sorry.” Sehun pulled him closer.

“Your life is no longer your own,” Sehun said as he pulled away. Suddenly turning philosophical. “its owned by those who care about you. To your soulmate. You no longer get to decide when you die. Not now that you have Chanyeol in your life.”

Kyungsoo blushed.

“Speaking of Chanyeol,” Sehun said. They could feel the atmosphere become light again. “How are things with the two of you?”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “We haven't even known each other that long yet. There isn’t much to tell.”

Sehun gave him a look. “Is-are you at least feeling better with him around?”

Kyungsoo smiled and nodded. It might've only been a week, but, he could feel the difference. As stubborn as he was, he knew that Chanyeol made him happier.

Suddenly, Kyungsoo felt a sharp shooting pain run through his body. He gasped loudly and had to lean forward. His hand were out in front of him, shaking uncontrollably. He had trouble breathing and barely registered Sehun's words. This feeling reminded him of a panic attack. Everything around him seemed to turn numb and he couldn’t stop the worrying thoughts in his mind.

As fast as it hit him, it disappeared. All the shock and fear left. And the only thing that remained was confusion. Kyungsoo looked to his friend who looked equally as concerned.

“What the _fuck_ was that?” They both voiced. Kyungsoo shook his head.

“I have no idea,” Kyungsoo said. He placed a hand to his chest, his heart was beating normally. But there was something wrong.

Sehun's phone rang, breaking the silence between them. And it was with that phone call, that Kyungsoo seemed to understand what was happening.

“Jongin?” Sehun said when he answered the phone. “W-what’s wrong? Why are--?”

Kyungsoo watched as his friends face started to contort, from shock, concern, pity. And when he locked eyes with Kyungsoo, it seemed to confirm the thoughts that Kyungsoo was trying to suppress.

Something happened to Chanyeol.

“We'll be there,” Sehun hung up the phone. But Kyungsoo already knew.

“Where are we going?”

“Kyungsoo--”

“ _Where_ are we going, Sehun?” Kyungsoo asked. He stood from his position. Sehun did as well.

“Hospital.”

Kyungsoo grit his teeth and nodded his head once. He pushed past the other and made his way to the front door. Sehun was close behind.

“Neither of us have a car, we can wait for my parents-”

“Then I'll walk,” Kyungsoo said. He pushed his feet into his shoes and walked out the door. He heard Sehun sigh.

Kyungsoo was feeling numb. Both to the fear and the cold. He left his coat in Sehun's room, but he didn't have time to get it. He had to get to Chanyeol.

Suddenly, he felt something being placed on his shoulders. Sehun was there and had brought his coat. He was bundled himself.

“You idiot,” Sehun said. Kyungsoo gave him a nod in thanks and slipped his arms into the sleeves. “If you wait twenty minutes, my parents will be home.”

Kyungsoo was being stubborn and he knew it. But Sehun should understand. His soulmate was in the hospital. The only place that Kyungsoo wanted to be was next to Chanyeol. He needed to see that Chanyeol was okay.

“Soo, he isn't dead, and he's going to have to be checked out,” Sehun pulled him to a stop. “So, whether we get there now or in an hour, we still won't be able to see him.”

Kyungsoo sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Fuck.

“I… it's just not fair, you know?” Kyungsoo said. Sehun gave him a sympathetic gaze as he threw an arm around his shoulder to bring them back to Sehun's.

“Kyungsoo,” the pair turned their heads at the sound of the voice. It was Kyungsoo's father. He was on the other side of the road, half out of his car. Kyungsoo felt Sehun's arm stiffen when he realized who it was.

“Is-is everything okay?”

Kyungsoo didn't say anything. This was the first time, in a long time, that his father addressed him.

“Why do you care?” Sehun said. He pulled them along. But Kyungsoo could hear the sound of a car door closing. Of course his father wouldn't care.

“Kyungsoo, wait,” his father said. Kyungsoo turned his head and saw his father jogging towards them. “You look… _what_ happened?”

Kyungsoo looked down to the ground and spoke quietly. “Why do you care now?”

“Kyung--”

“Why now of all times?” Kyungsoo felt his emotions rising.

“I found the razors.”

Kyungsoo sucked in his breath and stared hard at nothing. He felt Sehun pull him closer.

“I didn't… I'm sorry,” his father started to say.

Kyungsoo bit the inside of his cheek. This was a conversation for another day. “We can talk about this later,” Kyungsoo said. “I have more important people to worry about right now.”

Kyungsoo turned to go back to Sehun's but his father was persistent.

“Is everything okay?”

Kyungsoo clenched his fists and swung back around. “My soulmate is in the hospital and I need to get to him. So will you leave us alone?”

Something passes over his father's face. Understanding? Recognition? Kyungsoo wasn't sure.

“I'll take you,” his father said.

 

 

The car ride to the hospital was unbelievably awkward. Kyungsoo had refused to sit in the front, so he sat in the back with Sehun, who kept glaring at his father and looking back at his phone.

“Do you want me to wait?” His father asked when they arrived.

“Do what you want,” Kyungsoo said without a second glance. He truly didn't care what he father did. Chanyeol was more important.

Kyungsoo followed behind Sehun as they made their way to the unit Chanyeol was in. Kyungsoo kept shifting on his feet while they waited in the elevator. When the doors opened, Jongin was there, leaning against the wall. His eyes were red, as if he had just finished crying.

Sehun and him gave a quick embrace.

“Hey,” Jongin greeted Kyungsoo. The other nodded. Jongin led them down the wide hall as he continued. “Chanyeol in surgery right now. We don't know how much longer it's going to be.”

They were coming up to the waiting room and Kyungsoo could see Baekhyun's head hung low.

Baekhyun looked up when he heard footsteps. He wasn't sure if he or Baekhyun looked worse. Baekhyun's eyes were red, much like Jongin’s, and his hair was disheveled, as he must've ran his hands through his hair.

Baekhyun got to his feet when they were closer and took Kyungsoo into his arms.

How odd. They had only met each other once, yet, it felt though this embrace, that they had been friends for ages.

“Has there been any more news?” Kyungsoo asked, when they were all seated.

“Not yet,” Baekhyun said. “He only got in about ten minutes before you arrived.”

Kyungsoo sighed and leaned back his head. “How did this happen?”

He was feeling extremely calm right now. And it was slightly scaring him. He wasn't sure why he was so calm. Maybe it was to keep it himself sane?

“We were messing around at the park,” Baekhyun said. “The idiot decided to run onto the street…”

Baekhyun let the sentence hang. Kyungsoo could figure out the rest.

Kyungsoo felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw the notification. He debated if he should open it when it vibrates again. Same person.

He unlocked his phone and open the message

_Dad_

_Today, 6:12pm_

_Is Chanyeol okay?_

_Today, 6:12pm_

_What floor are you on? I'm coming up._

Kyungsoo stared at the message for a second before his fingers started moving.

_Me_

_Today, 6:13pm_

_Third floor._

Kyungsoo held his breath as it sent. He wasn't sure why he responded. Maybe it was because this was the first time that his father had given him any notice that Kyungsoo didn't want to push him away.

Kyungsoo saw his father approach them with tentative steps, not long after their exchange. Only Sehun knew what his home life was like, so it was only him who glared Kyungsoo's father down. Kyungsoo was sat between Sehun and Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo's father sat on the other side of the seating area. Kyungsoo sighed and then looked at Sehun.

“I think, I'm going to talk to him,” Kyungsoo said.

“Are you sure?” Sehun looked towards Kyungsoo's father then back at him. Kyungsoo nodded his head. He got up and walked over to his father. He straightened himself when Kyungsoo took a seat beside him.

“Why are you here?” Kyungsoo sighed and rested the back of his head against the wall.

“I just want to make sure everything is okay,” his father said.

“But… why do you care now?”

His father didn't say anything right away. Kyungsoo was starting to wonder if he was going to say anything at all. He had a right to know.

“Your mother died two years after you were born,” Kyungsoo hummed. He knew this already. “During that time… it was, I can never forget what it felt like to lose her.”

He looked over to his friends and saw them mumbling about something. Occasionally, they threw glances in Kyungsoo's direction. Instead of being angry at Sehun saying something, Kyungsoo was okay. He wanted them to know why he was the way he was.

Kyungsoo looked down at his lap.

“Every time I looked at you I was reminded of her. And it hurts, it still hurts me. So I hired a nanny, and then I found out she lost her soulmate too. And…” His step-mother. She had been in his life for so long he never realized that she was his nanny.

“When I saw you earlier it reminded me so much of what happened with your mother.”

Kyungsoo turned to look at him. “Why did you let her treat me like that? Why did you ignore me?”

His father looked at him with such sadness. “I hated myself everyday for letting her do that. The fights we've been having recently were because I wanted her to stop.”

That explained why it seemed to be getting worse.

“Then why not divorce her?”

“A person in pain draws other people in pain, both hoping to fill whatever void that exists within themselves.”

Kyungsoo looked over to Sehun. He had Jongin's left hand in his lap in a death grip. The other two looked over with deep concern written on their faces. He wondered if what his father said was true. Were the four of them draw together because of their shared pain for Chanyeol? That them being together will fill the void that is buried within their hearts. Maybe that was why soulmates existed. To help fill the voids of one's soul, to make a person whole again. Maybe that was why some couples didn’t work out, because their voids clashed with each other.

He could see that with his father and stepmother. But why take it out on a child? An innocent boy, who couldn’t fathom the concept of love.

Kyungsoo looked back to his father. “I don't know if I could ever forgive you. But thank you for telling me and for coming up here.”

“I'll stay here as long as I need too.”

Kyungsoo shook his head and saw his father's face drop. “I just need to focus on Chanyeol right now. You being here…” he didn't finish his sentence but his father must've understood.

“Okay. Okay,” his father rose to his feet. “I'll see you later.”

Kyungsoo gave him a parting smile but he didn't get up from his seat right away. He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh as he rested his head against the wall again.

He was too calm about everything right now. It was like he was a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the right moment to explode.

He opened his eyes and saw Sehun standing from his seat, like he was ready to kick some ass as he watched Kyungsoo’s father walk away.

Sehun looked over at Kyungsoo silently asking him if he wanted him.

Kyungsoo shook his head. Sehun sat back down, and only occasionally took his eyes off him.

Kyungsoo needed time to himself. He felt a huge weight rest on his shoulders. With Chanyeol being hurt and his father trying to reconcile things with him, put a strain on him. This was something that he wasn’t used to and if he had to be honest, he was scared of it all.

 

 

Kyungsoo was sitting alone. His head was still resting against the wall, but now it was faced to look out the window. There wasn’t much of a view. It was too dark to see outside, so the only thing Kyungsoo could see was the reflection of the waiting area. He occasionally shifted his eyes along the glass to the reflection of his friends. Sehun kept looking at him. Jongin and Baekhyun were both on their phones.

All four of them were pulled from their thoughts when there was a female voice who called out to Baekhyun and Jongin. There was no one else in the area, so her voice disturbed no one.

“Baekhyun, Jongin.”

“Yoora,” Baekhyun said getting up, giving her a hug. Jongin followed suit. Kyungsoo turned his head to the group. It was just this Yoora person who had joined them. “You made it. We’re not sure when he’ll be out.”

“This is Sehun,” Jongin said. She smiled at him shaking his hand. She looked like a sweet person.

She mumbled something to them, that Kyungsoo couldn’t catch. But when they turned and faced Kyungsoo, he could only assume she was asking about him. He sat up in his seat. He was debating if he should go over, when Yoora smiled at him and made her way over.

“Hi,” she said. She pointed to the seat next to him. “Do you mind if I sit next to you?”

She sat when Kyungsoo shook his head.

“My name is Yoora. I’m Chanyeol’s older sister,” she held her hand out to him.

“Kyungsoo,” he said as they shook hands. “I’m Chanyeol’s…”

“Soulmate?” She finished for him. Kyungsoo just stared at her. “I’m so glad I finally get to meet you.”

Kyungsoo wondered just how much she knew.

“Are you doing alright?”

“I’m doing better than what I thought I would,” Kyungsoo said. “What about you? He’s your brother.”

“I’m worried,” she doesn’t look it, “but, I know my brother. He’ll pull through. He always does.”

Just then a doctor, or what looked to be a doctor, in surgery gear, approached the waiting area. Since they were the only ones waiting, they all stood in anticipation. Kyungsoo and Yoora walked over to where the others stood.

“I’m Dr. Lee, are Chanyeol’s family?”

“Yes,” Yoora had answered before anyone else could speak. “Did everything go okay? Is Chanyeol fine?”

“Yes, the surgery went well. Just some broken bones and internal bleeding,” Dr. Lee explained.

“Is he awake? Can we see him?” Baekhyun chimed in.

“He’s in recovery right now,” Dr. Lee said. “No one will be able to see him until tomorrow morning, when visiting hours are open.” Everyone looked dejected. And Dr. Lee smiled sympathetically. “I suggest you all go home and rest with ease. Chanyeol will be fine.”

 

 

It was the next morning, and Kyungsoo was following closely behind Sehun, Jongin and Baekhyun. They all decided last night to crash at Sehun’s house, so they could go to the hospital together. Kyungsoo had spent the night cuddled close to his best friend. He had went to use Sehun’s shower and it was then that he realized that there were scars along his arms and his torso. Scars that he never afflicted. He had known in that moment that they were from Chanyeol’s accident. Kyungsoo’s heart rate increased as he noticed the amount of scars that Chanyeol had received and he couldn’t help but feel the guilt that came with it.

He had realized that that was the feeling Chanyeol had been feeling for four years, each and every time Kyungsoo had inflicted new wounds to his body. He resolved last night that he wouldn’t cause Chanyeol anymore pain. Especially not after finally finding out what it was like.

The four of them walk through the halls of the hospital, which was bustling with nurses and doctors. Visiting hours just opened, there were some people here and there, but Kyungsoo wasn’t really paying attention. Baekhyun had gone to the nurses desk to find out what room Chanyeol was in, which was where they were headed.

Kyungsoo let the others enter first. He couldn’t bring himself to enter just yet. He was afraid of what he was going to see. How bad was it? The scars on his body made him think the worst.

He only entered when he heard Chanyeol ask about him. It was like his voice had pulled him in.

“I’m here,” Kyungsoo said. When he looked at Chanyeol, he felt whatever stress he had leave his body. He had a couple bandages here and there on his exposed skin. He didn’t have any needles or heart monitor attached to him, so Kyungsoo took that as a good sign.

“You gave us a scare,” Baekhyun said to Chanyeol. But Chanyeol was only focused on him. He looked at Kyungsoo with such relief, he was sure that he looked at the other with the same look.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo said softly as he approached the bed. Kyungsoo walked to the left side, where there weren’t any needles sticking out of his arm. Sehun was at the foot of the bed, beside Jongin, while Baekhyun was on the other side.

“Hey,” Chanyeol smiled at him. Chanyeol had turned over the palm that was resting on the bed. He reached out his hand and held onto his hand. It wasn’t a firm grasp, just something soft enough for each other to know that everything was okay. And that everything was going to _be_ okay.

“How about we give you guys a minute?” Baekhyun suggested, Kyungsoo was ready to protest. He knew that everyone wanted to see and hang out with Chanyeol. Kyungsoo didn’t want to have him to himself. But Baekhyun was already pushing the other two out the room.

Chanyeol shifted over a bit, so there was room for Kyungsoo to sit on the edge.

“How are you feeling?” Kyungsoo asked. He felt his butt starting to slip off so he rearranged himself. He put his left arm on the other side of Chanyeol’s body and used his right hand to hold Chanyeol’s. It was a bold move on Kyungsoo’s part, but he didn’t care.

“I’ll be fine,” Chanyeol said. “Give me a couple week and I’ll be in tip top shape. How about you?” Chanyeol gave him a soft gaze. “Did you talk with Sehun?”

“I-I don’t think that’s important right now,” Kyungsoo said. It’s not that he didn’t want to tell Chanyeol, it was just that Chanyeol was injured and they should be focusing on him.

“Of course, it matters,” Chanyeol said, locking eyes with him. “So?”

Kyungsoo nodded his head reluctantly. “Yeah, we talk and sorted everything out. But then… Jongin called…”

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol said. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“You’re covered in scars,” Kyungsoo said, poking Chanyeol’s side lightly, where he knew one of the scars resided. He reached over to his own shirt and lifted it slightly to where the same scar decorated his skin. “And I have marks from you now.” Chanyeol looked at the scars with an intense gaze.

“I, um,” Kyungsoo started and took a deep breath. “I promise, I won’t hurt myself anymore. After yesterday, I...I don’t want to do that to you. I think I finally understand what it was like for you.”

Chanyeol was about to say something, but there was a light knock on the door frame.

“Hello boys,” It was Dr. Lee. “How are you feeling Chanyeol?”

“Great.”

Dr. Lee nodded his head. “Good, good. Kyungsoo, right?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo said. He stood from the bed.

“Do you mind if I speak with you?”

Kyungsoo nodded and gave a last look at Chanyeol before following after the doctor. Sehun, Baekhyun and Jongin entered the room after they left.

“You're his soulmate?” Dr. Lee asked when they were just outside the room. When Kyungsoo nodded he continued. “I noticed while we were operating, the scars on his body.” Kyungsoo knew where this was heading. “I could tell that they weren't marks of his own doing--”

“You don’t have to worry, Dr. Lee,” Kyungsoo said cutting him off. He fondly looked at Chanyeol, who was laughing at something Baekhyun had said. He had his friends and his soulmate he needed to look after. “I think I’m going to be fine.”

The doctor looked in Chanyeol’s direction with a knowing smile. The pair shared departing words and Kyungsoo made his way back inside. Chanyeol turned his head to him and gave him a toothy grin. He held his hand out, which Kyungsoo walked towards until he was able to grasp it in his own. He felt a lightness in his chest as looked at his friends again, until his gaze fell on Chanyeol. When he looked at his soulmate, he was sure that this was what happiness felt like.

 

 

EPILOGUE

The soft tunes of the radio played as Kyungsoo and his father pulled up to his dorm. His father put the car in park as they both got out to retrieve Kyungsoo’s things from the trunk. Sehun was already in their shared room, he had come earlier than Kyungsoo did. Infact, Kyungsoo was supposed to arrive with Sehun, but his father offered to take him. He knew it was going to be an awkward ride, but they were both trying to rekindle whatever relationship was left between the two of them.

After his father divorced, his stepmother, things were different in the Do household. Kyungsoo wasn’t so afraid to leave his bedroom and he had even started to have dinner with his father. Chanyeol joined on most nights, it made things less awkward. And now that Kyungsoo was starting post-secondary, his father was trying a little harder.

Kyungsoo and Sehun had managed to get into the same college as Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Turns out that Jongin did as well.

The five of them had already started to make plans before classes started. As Kyungsoo looked at his new home for the next four years, he knew that he was ready to tackle anything.


End file.
